Lucky
by Bleachy-nii
Summary: Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst.
1. Downfall

**Title – Lucky **

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. **

**Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.**

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

Gil Grissom was a quiet and reserved man, kept to himself most of the times and had a geeky personality. He was witty and at random times cracked dry jokes. He cared deeply for his work and for his team mates; they were in a way his family. His age had nothing to do with how well he worked or if he could work at all. He was middle aged, and yet felt like he was in his thirties. He had bad knees which bothered him at night, but nothing a little Motrin couldn't help. His hearing was a huge factor but now that situation had been taken care of, he could rest easy. He wasn't going to lie, most of his energy came from his excitement of working, but there was a more reasonable explanation. And she came with a name, Sara Sidle. She was young, inhibited, and passionate. She made him want to wake up everyday and smile, even in the face of death.

He was selfish. He wanted her so near yet he pushed her away continually for fear of showing her that yes, he did want her. He couldn't risk his job, his life's passion. Without his job, what would he have? Just Sara? Was he willing to risk it? Was she worth it?

She was beautiful, especially last month they spent the night at Mandalay Bay for a Forensics Convention and spent the better half at the pool. Man he never knew how long those legs were or how cute her hair curled when it dried naturally. She and Greg bantered all day long in the water drifting along in the lazy river on their tubes and after a few drinks they talked Grissom into playing water polo with the whole team. She was so adorable with her sun burnt cheeks and broad smile that it was so hard not to imagine how it would be if they were together. But if he lost his job just to be with her… would their relationship be the same?

He stepped into the break room of the CSI lab head quarters and frowned when the person consuming his thoughts was missing. He looked at his watch. An hour in, she should be here.

"Anyone see Sara?" Gil asked looking up into his team's faces.

Sofia shrugged, and Greg bit his lip. Catherine, Nick and Warrick happened to be there also. Warrick just shoved a donut in his mouth shaking his head.

"She isn't answering her cell. Although last night she said she wasn't feeling well, maybe she took some medicine and passed out." Greg suggested.

Grissom nodded and accepted that answer. She was probably over working herself again. Lately he too noticed her spacey far away look and tired features.

Catherine, Nick and Warrick went off to their own case they were working on so Grissom assigned Greg and Sofia to a B&E with a possible 419.

He had his own case file. A maggot infested autopsy with Doc Robbins.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Allison Taylor liked to believe she was a patient person, which is why she lives here in Vegas, but damn!

Her neighbor was always quiet and rarely made noise, especially since she worked nights and slept during the day. Her neighbor was in the apartment directly above hers and she really didn't know a whole lot about her except she was a thirty three year CSI named Sara and every once in a while she would water her plants for her when she was away.

Sara Sidle was something else. She never had people over, occasionally it seemed she would have a date which would lead to talking from the low mumbles in the silence. That would sometimes lead to sex. She blushed thinking about how loud her acquaintance could be.

So to be fair, Allison never had a problem with her upstairs neighbor, but since Ally woke up at ten AM Sara has had her music pretty loud. It was now almost midnight and the girl still had her blasted music on. Now she had some pretty similar tastes in music but she needed some sleep damn it! She tried calling all day, no answer.

She knew she was home, she could hear footsteps padding through the house. Alley flipped her short dirty blonde hair over her shoulder and stepped to the kitchen to grab a drink. That's when she heard it, a loud crash coming from above her. Her heart quickened from surprise and she listened intently. It sounded like a glass bottle crashing to the floor. What made her sick was the sickening thud that followed a moment after.

Without another second thought the yoga therapist ripped from her room straight to the elevators. She prayed she was over reacting, but it was better to be safe then sorry. She shoved her way through the elevator doors not waiting for them to open all the way and ran to Sara's apartment number. The outside of her door always smelled spicy like cinnamons. She knocked and rang the door bell several times. After two minutes she looked above the wall light posted on the wall and reached inside where a hidden key was. She knew it was there from all the times she watered plants while Sara was away on cases far away.

She took a deep breath and stepped inside of the cool dark apartment. The music playing in the background was loud yet eerily soothing.

"Sara?" She called out stepping further into the apartment. She had to be careful incase Sara was a paranoid CSI and shot her brains out onto the wall. The place smelled of alcohol, and it burned her nostrils. A sour smell filled the living room also. Vomit.

Alley frowned, what the hell happened here? She tip toed into the kitchen and found papers and books scattered all over the place. It looked as if Sara was searching for something. She passed the kitchen and went to the master bed room.

"Sara?" She called again. The vomit stench was stronger in here. Suitcases were open and clothes were strewn across the floor and most of them inside the bag in a heaping mess. An empty bottle of vodka was laying on her pillow and on her bed was a bottle of pills. She ignored that not wanting to be too nosey and sauntered off back into the main hallway. Next she turned and went into the living room wonder just where Sara went when her blood ran cold. A foot was all she could see hidden behind the coffee table.

She ran and fell to her knees seeing what she feared. Sara lay on her back hair sprawled out and one arm over her stomach while one arm lay palm up near her head. Her skin was ghostly pale and upon further inspection, Sara was not breathing.

Tears emerged and she called her name. She tried shaking her but nothing worked. Quickly Alley got up and dialed 911.

As instructed she stayed on the phone until help arrived.

~* ~* ~* ~ * ~ *

Gil tried calling Sara a few more times during the day before he gave up entirely hoping she was getting some much needed rest. The girl wasn't sleeping, he could see it in her body movement. She was bothered.

He strolled down the halls rushing to the shower stalls. He always felt so dirty after autopsies. The stench of death always clung to his pores. As he scrubbed away the dead skin cells with burning hot water his mind kept drifting to where Sara was that night. Even if she was ill, she would still show up. Unless she really did pass out. To have her not call was the next weird thing.

Grissom finished his shower and went to the break room the second time that night only to find Greg and Sofia were there already.

"Done with your case already?"

"Yeah the B&E happened to be the owner of the house. He locked himself out and climbed through the window, apparently he slipped and took a tumble on his head. He bled internally before he could reach the phone to call 911.

Grissom shook his head, death was always a shame. His phone rang, he picked it up without checking who was calling hoping it was Sara.

"Grissom."

"Gilbert Grissom?" A male voice asked.

"Yes." Gil took a seat across from Sofia and Greg giving them a blank stare.

"My name is Dr. Mike Morgan and I am calling on behalf of a Miss Sara Sidle. We have you listed as an emergency contact for her here at Desert Palms Hospital."

"What?" Panic was written on his features and all Sofia and Greg could do was watch in morbid curiosity.

"Sara was emitted here a few hours ago and we finally got a chance to call her emergency contact, we should discuss things here. Ask for me when you get here."

Before Grissom could ask anymore the line went dead.

"Griss? You look pale, what was the call about?" Sofia asked.

"I've got to go. Something about Sara." He stood up and left quickly before anyone had a chance to speak.

He was on a mission. He passed the hallways dashing out of the way and being careful to avoid eye contact. Confused by passers watched as Gil rushed on through. Normally this kind of behavior was normal in a forensics lab, but not when it was just one man and avoiding any contact with anyone. As he rushed to his parked Denali he quickly drove out of the parking lot once again his mind filled with thoughts. He always worried about his CSI's. Every single day he sent them out with a pink paper with the address showing them where to go he silently prayed they returned home safely.

He worried about Sara if not more then the other's. Mainly because of how attached she gets during cases. He could see her self putting herself in harms way, if it meant getting her point across. But this time she was off shift, which gave him that sick feeling that maybe she was drunk driving again and got into a fatal accident.

He shook his head; it was probably something she ate. Or maybe she passed out from over exertion.

It was strange how hospitals and morgues were so different yet their smells were closely similar. The disinfectant stung the nostrils and gave chills to children about memories of shots. For the CSI team it wasn't the memories of shots, it was the memories of death, pain, tears, horrible thoughts of what torture the people went through before they died.

Grissom shuffled up to the reception area and wiped his face. He had a habit of doing that when he was frustrated or upset.

"Excuse me, I received a call from Dr. Mike Morgan. A CSI was emitted and I am listed as her emergency contact." Grissom pulled out his ID and placed it on the counter, he knew the drill, "Sara Sidle is her name."

The older woman started typing away on her computer and frowned, "It looks like she collapsed again. She is back in surgery. You'll have to wait for the Dr to come out."

Grissom's shoulder's slumped and slowly he trudged over to the waiting chairs. And waited. And waited. He was starting to develop a nervous twitch.

His phone started ringing. Cautiously he picked it up, in case it was the lab demanding he come back. It was Catherine.

"Yeah?"

"Sara's in the ER?!" Leave it to Catherine to find out right away.

"I don't know what for, I'll call you later with information."

"Gil… you don't have to be there alone, I just left work."

"No, thank you, you just finished a double. I'll be okay, I don't even know what is going on." He was wiping his face again.

"Okay… if you need anything don't hesitate to call."

"Thanks." And the line went dead.

He must have been so nervous that he passed out and was being shaken awake by a red headed man.

"Dr. Grissom?" Gil sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, the man looked exhausted, "I'm Dr. Morgan."

Grissom shook his hand and scooted more towards his face. "Is she okay? What happened?"

"When we have cases like this it's easier to jump in head first. We can't be sure we have to start an investigation, and I'm sure your team will handle that. Apparently Sara tried to commit suicide."

It hit him like a bag of bricks and needles right in the chest. The force and cold prickle as his blood ran cold made him waver and teeter. Suicide? No… not Sara. She had issues and dealt with pain differently but …. Suicide? Sara was stronger then that, she saw death everyday and knew she never wanted to be found so weak and desperate for a way out. She knew there was a different way out.

"You okay? I know it's hard, suicide is never easy, especially when they are near us everyday."

Gil nodded but didn't dare say anything for fear of saying something he'd regret.

"Her neighbor called it in. Any longer and she would have died. She consumed almost two bottles of vodka with a half bottle of anti- depressants and half a bottle of diazepam. It put her body into shock and if her neighbor wouldn't have found her… well you know how it would have ended up."

"Can I see her?" Grissom chocked out. His voice was horse, and this throat throbbed. He had to strain to keep his composure. He was so confused and wanted to start an investigation right away. Some bastard had to have poisoned her… that would be that only explanation.

The Doctor looked down to the floor, Grissom knew that look. No but since I feel bad you almost lost your loved one… I'll do something.

And sure enough, "Normally we are not aloud to since she is in such a state that must be monitored, but we will make arrangements for you to see her for fifteen minutes. If you'll follow me." Grissom stood up and kept an eager pace next to the doctor.

They passed a woman crying out in a foreign language, but it was obvious her husband just died from the words she was using and the grief she was expressing. A little girl with long black hair was sickly pale looking and crying over and over that she will be good and never play in daddy's work shop as a needle was being administered to a nasty gash on her knee. Stitches, Grissom shivered.

He was taken behind a set of beige double doors and into a dark room. The constant beeps and wires running everywhere around the room was a morbid feel. His heart ached when he saw her. She looked like a broken doll with pale skin and dark rings around her eyes. Sweat gathered on her body, fever. Three IVs were in her arms, a rather big tube was shoved in her mouth and breathing tube in her nose. She looked horrible, and yet oh so beautiful, so much more then the flesh and bone that she was. And he wanted nothing more then to hold her, to make her broken heart right. How could such a strong person resort to such a horrible way out?

"Can I have her stomach contents?" His voice barely carried but Dr. Mike got the message.

"I've already sent it to your lab." He walked over and patted her feet, "She's a good one, helped my daughter through her murdered boyfriend case. Never left her side and never rested once to find the bastard who murdered him. Take care of her Dr. Grissom."

Gil nodded, knowing how special she was and how dangerously close he came to loosing her… again.

* ~ *~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

When Dr. Morgan finally escorted Grissom out, he was in his cell phone the minute he was through those sliding glass doors to the parking structure.

"Catherine." The curt reply came.

"Catherine it's Grissom, I need you at Sara's place right now."

"Got it." The tone went dead.

Catherine was always like that, do it and ask questions later, it was one of the reasons she was on her way to becoming the same rank as Grissom.

Grissom received a key from the doctor, he got into Sara's belonging locker and handed it to him for investigation. He stepped in and frowned. It was cool and dark he switched on his flash light and walked in, waiting for Catherine to show up. Last time he was in this apartment, her place smelt like cinnamon and kind of spicy but he only got a whiff of that through the front door, but as he stepped in now the place smelled of sour alcohol and putrid vomit.

"Oh Sara…" Gil turned around to see Catherine standing there with her flashlight in hand and looking at the mess, "What did you do?" She asked the brunette out loud.

"Place is a mess, she usually has nothing in visible sight but papers and books are everywhere." Grissom speculated and walked into the kitchen.

"Broken Vodka bottle, I'll bag it up and have the lab run it for prints."

"Gil…" Catherine asked taking pictures of the scattered magazines and books, "Was Sara attacked?"

Grissom was silent for a moment looking at a small puddle of clear puke, "I would like to believe so… that's why I asked for you, I want to keep this under wraps but… I think Sara may have tried attempted suicide."

Catherine sighed as if understanding, "Oh Sara."

He looked over and knew Catherine had this part of the house more then covered so he stood up and strolled into Sara's master bedroom where her bathroom mirror was open. She had a few hand towels on the counter and a big fluffy towel around the shower stall. He looked inside of the mirror cabinet and felt a pang, there were bottles and bottles of sleeping pills, anti depressants, vitamins, pain killers, and birth control. Most of the bottles were full except for the vitamins. He turned away from the bathroom and went to her bedroom.

Her room was in neat order, except all of her drawers were open and what clothes she had left were scattered and tossed messily. He heard a crack and stepped back quickly not wanting to contaminate his evidence. He leaned down and picture a photo frame off the floor. It was from years ago, when he first met Sara. They were at a Forensics entomology conference and she was his star pupil, after wards they went out to eat and walked along the beach. They changed into their suits and of course a picture was involved. She was so happy and so eager to learn. She was so full of life… no worries filled her eyes.

He sat down on her bed the frame still in hand, where he stepped he broke the glass running a crack right between the two… he was never one for superstitious or beliefs but he was always open to hear them and this… looking at the symbolism …. He was the one that tore them apart.

He set the frame down and looked into the armoire mirror and his breath hitched. Several bags and suitcases were open and that's where most of her clothes were.

She was packing up and ready to leave. Where to or why he wasn't sure, but it was a sure thing, Sara was planning on leaving. On the pillow was an empty bottle of vodka and next to that was a half empty bottle of diazepam and Tricyclic.

"She was planning on leaving." Catherine stated the obvious as she strolled into the room checking the place out.

"I want to believe someone did this to her… but until the lab results come back on prints proving someone else was here… I think she took too many pills and started drinking and had a panic attack, starting to pack everything she had. The mess indicates a panic and from how much alcohol and pills she consumed she went down."

"That sounds about right… but Sara… suicide? Would you have ever imagined?"

"People are full of surprises." He sighed and picked up the pill bottle, with gloves of course. He began printing the anti depressants and lifted several partials but all appeared to be the same, "I think she was shining her teeth until meaningless, to show off such a fake smile. When people are truly hurting, they don't want others to know, or they do but don't know how to show it since they are so used to facades. So when people don't notice their suffering they grow even more into deep depression."

"Why do you think Sara is depressed? The job? You know everyone gets depressed on this job… is she trying to get attention?" Catherine always respected Sara but this seemed a bit mellow dramatic. She saw suicide victims all the time and tried to sympathize with them, but sometimes it was so hard when she was a working mom with hardly any time to see her daughter and constantly picking battles with her pubescent kid.

Grissom knew, Catherine thought Sara was just a dramatic person, but in truth Sara has been troubled all her life. Grissom didn't know the full extent but from what she told him her mother murdered her father. There was plenty of abuse in her home, and probably as a child she felt the need for suicide as a way out of that hell. But Sara was always head strong and used her weakness as her strength. But now… he felt her past mixed with the now… maybe it was too much for her. Catherine really had no right judging anyone on the basis of suicide. He has worked many cases where the suicide victim had a rather disappointing reason, like a break up or a bad grade but to judge someone solely on what you see?

He shook his head at Catherine, "Don't judge her Catherine. We are not in her head." He stood up and collected his bagged evidence as he walked out of the room.

Catherine stood there perplexed and a little embarrassed. She really hadn't meant to upset him. She was just confused on why such a seemingly happy person, bitchy at times, but happy, could attempt something so serious as suicide.

She trudged out of the room to find Grissom looking at Sara's book shelf. He picked up an entomology book smiled and set it back.

"Gil what are we going to tell everyone?"

His shoulders stiffened but he turned around. "I don't know Cath… they will find out eventually but… let's try to keep this under wraps until I get the call that Sara is awake." He handed over his evidence and told her to keep this as quiet as possible, only have Greg print the glasses. "I am heading back to the hospital to wait for Sara to wake up, call me if you need me."

He was already on his way out the door as the words were said. He knew as his short drive to the hospital was coming to a closure that this would be a long and strenuous night. He wanted so bad to talk to Sara, to hear her side of the story and yet at the same time he wanted to ignore everything that is wrong. He wanted to put a band aid over it, but he knew the infection would continue to grow. No her whole life she has put a band aid on her emotions, and this was her breaking point.

He knew what needed to be done, but was he strong enough? He had to be, if Sara could stay this strong for so many years then he could be too. She has finally fallen and broke, so now he had to be her legs and mend her broken pieces.

_**Well what do you guys think? A bit morbid, but I have been watching season 4 and 5 lately and I can't help but feel what an ass Grissom is being towards Sara. I think with her past and then coming up to now Sara is probably feeling pretty low and sometimes when your buttons pop and your drinking alcohol and taking pills horrible things happen. So don't go anywhere guys keep reading! I promise it will get better, or perhaps cuter! **_


	2. A step from hell

**Title – Lucky **

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. **

**Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.**

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

She looked like a sick child, one that lost her parents. Her chest rose and fell in even paces, her arms were limp by her side and her skin was deathly pale that if the steady beeps reassuring him that yes her heart was beating, he'd guess she were already dead. After seeing Debbie Marlin on that metal slab in the autopsy room, so lifeless and such a look a like to Sara… he was haunted every day by his nightmares. Right now seeing her so still and lifeless, with the lack of color and a tint of grey to her skin he shivered just thinking about Sara on that metal slab. Every case he sent Sara on he had to wonder if he'd get that call, the one that would crush his soul.

He sat in the room for hours just sitting with her, holding her lifeless, cold hand. Her dark hair was always a nice contrast to her pale skin, but now it looked uncanny against her milky skin. Dark circles around her eyes and cracked pale lips were the same images he had in his nightmares, and here she lay before just as was.

He was sipping on his coffee when he glanced in the hall way. A few people walked by, he wanted more privacy, but for now Sara was to be placed in an observed room considering her … actions. A little girl in a pink dress was running around asking about her brother, she looked no more then four.

The parents breezed by, the father's face was stony and emotionless, the mother was blotting her eyes. He hated hospitals. He turned around taking another swig of his coffee and almost spit his drink out when he saw Sara's ocher ones looking right at him.

"Sara…" he whispered.

She just continued to stare, giving away no emotion. First she was detached, then as her eyes began to set she frowned, and tears sprang to her eyes. She turned her head away quickly and brought her palm to her face. Her knees curled and he watched as her back shook. She was sobbing… and he felt helpless. He knew why she was in despair… she was mortified.

He sat with her as her sobs broke his heart. How much of this was she holding in? Was this only her embarrassment or was this going deeper? His hand itched closer to touch her arm but she only flinched and he'd pull away. He left her alone but never left her side. They sat like that for almost an hour until Sara basically collapsed from exhaustion and lay on her side, back facing him. Silent tears rolled down her cheeks. This was going way deeper then he imagined.

"Sara honey…" he stroked her back, and the same thing she pulled away from him.

"Miss Sidle!" Dr. Mike strolled in, "You are awake… oh dear." He muttered when he caught a glimpse of her face.

"Mr. Grissom, would you please step outside while I examine her?" His eyes told him everything.

These kinds of patients were feeling vulnerable and didn't want anyone near them. He respected her whishes and left to the waiting room.

The same parents he witnessed earlier were now signing papers, the mother's tears were endless and the little girl in the pink dress still continued to ask about her brother and why her mommy was crying. God he hated hospitals.

He was leaning against the wall as if the white panels could take his frustration away.

"Mr. Grissom?" Dr. Morgan asked coming around the corner. He spotted the CSI and directed him to some chairs near by. Once they were seated he continued, "She's in pretty bad shape."

"Well since we suspect she just attempted suicide I would imagine she would be in bad shape." He added bitterly.

"I am not sure if she will be stable enough to go home… I looked at her file, she got off the hook for a DUI and has had to have sessions with a PEAP. I spoke with the man who was her counselor and told him my plans to send her to a mental hospital. He strongly advised against it, saying with Miss Sidle's history it would not help her any bit. I can't keep her here in this hospital, I am sure this consists of the same thing as a mental one. So I had a long talk with her counselor and he advises staying with her emergency contact."

Grissom's eyebrow rose, stay with him?

"Now I know this may seem like a strong leap but she needs to be with someone familiar, someone she trusts to help her. She will be seeing her counselor three times a week but you will be there at all times to watch her, and keep her away from harming herself."

"But I have a job… I mean I would love to care for her but she doesn't exactly like me at the moment…."

"I know Mr. Grissom this can seem over whelming, but I have taken the liberty of writing out a leave of absence for both of you. I know the fields you work in, but at least a month with her giving her your undivided attention might be what she needs. I wrote a list of things you would need to do, for instance locking up any sharp utensils, knives, scissors, as well as razors. Now I know women do not want to be hairy so you will have to watch her." He chuckled at Grissom's blush, "Perhaps watch her take a bath and explain the severity of the situation, and turn your back, make sure you listen to every detail. Talking helps in cases like this. Chemicals will need to be locked up also."

"Are you sure all of this is necessary? I am sure she will resist." He was shuffling in his seat, growing uncomfortable.

"Oh of course she will resist. She is strong and independent and refuses to admit something is horribly wrong. But it is obvious there is something in her mind that is telling her it's over. This will be no easy ride, but I think after that spell right now, I believe she is so devastated of being caught in this position by you. You are close to her, if not now you will be." He was a speaker, he kept his back straight and made eye contact, especially through the hard parts.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Sara had a day before being released so Gil took the time to settle things at work, Catherine would be put in charge. Someone from swing shift was being brought in to help the night shift out. He talked to Brass, only small details, emotional breakdown something fatal put her in the hospital and she needs watching over. Dr. suggests Emergency Contact.

Brass didn't say, but he knew what Sara did and his heart went out to her. So many times he thought the same thing, but just kept thinking his job is what kept him going. How bad off was Sara to not realize her fellow co workers would be on her case? How far gone has she been for none of them to realize? He noticed her alcohol addiction, he recognized the signs. The tiredness in her eyes told him she didn't sleep at night, consistent with nightmares and worries. She was always maxing out her overtime and at first it was considered dedication, but now it was obsession.

Sara Sidle was self destructing right before their eyes and they failed to notice.

Ecklie was irritated and explained the lab could not afford to loose two CSI's but could not argue against the medical leave. His despise for Sara ran deeper then Grissom realized. Ecklie knew nothing, only that Sara had a mental breakdown, and what made Grissom sick was that the bastard never asked if she would be alright, just how selfish she was.

After the lab was settled he stopped by the store picking up veggie meat and food he saw her eat on her breaks. After that he went home and tidied up the spare bedroom, making sure to lock up everything the doctor said. It broke his heart to take away Sara's trust, but at this time Sara's life was so delicate…. How easy it is for her to just slip away.

By the time he was finished with everything it was nightfall and as tempted as he was to skip out on sleep he couldn't. He knew Sara needed him alert and plenty energized so he decided on a quick nap before he went to pick her up, this way she will be safe while he slept.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

A mere four hours of sleep was like a full eight hours of sleep for Grissom. He headed off to the hospital. She was waiting for him in the lobby in her outfit she was emitted in. She was frail, but the color was back in her face.

He tried having a conversation with her but she wouldn't answer back, was this how she felt every time she talked to him and he would give her short answer?

She was probably upset, the Dr. Morgan told her about everything how she was going to be watched by Grissom in order to keep her out of the mental hospital. She asked for someone else, it broke his heart. The doctor explained that since Grissom was her emergency contact it was the most obvious choice. If she wanted she could be sent to the hospital, wait for the paper work for a new emergency contact and then wait for a background check and then she could have the new person take her home. It seemed too difficult so she glared at Grissom and went home with him.

They dropped by at her place to pick up all the stuff she would need and once that was done they went straight to his place. She had been here once before when he was suspended. Back then she had blushed taking a peek into his bedroom and having fantasies of them tousled in the bed sheets.

But that was a long time ago, she gave her everything to him, even risked her pride for him and he shut her down. Oh so many times. Whatever they had at San Francisco was dead. She left her life, the ocean, her mother, everything to come to this desert for him. This city filled with sin and selfish people was tearing her apart. How could people be so … evil?

What they had in San Francisco was obviously not just innocent student teacher interaction, they were full on flirting and even shared a brief kiss. They continued to e-mail and stay in contact and she still hoped for more knowing there was something between them. She could feel it, and see the way he looked at her.

When the call came for her asking to join him in Vegas she was so excited, they could probably have a relationship! But as playful and flirty as he was he was not making a move. He broke her heart time after time by asking other woman out even when she asked him out herself.

Her self esteem fell through the roof. She hated it here in Las Vegas, and now that the only person keeping her here showed no interest she decided it was time to leave.

Sara ignored Grissom's words and went straight to the spare bedroom following his finger. She shut the door and lay on the bed praying for the tears to go away.

He would confuse her so, tell her she was beautiful, flirt with her subtly but it was still there and then when she asks him out to dinner he refuses. But the minute the chance comes around he takes Sofia out.

Her love for him will never die, she can feel the connection and knows they would be compatible but without his returning love it would be meaningless. Over time her breaking heart has come to a dull throb which only shows up when she is around him. Gilbert Grissom is the least of her worries at the moment, lately living in this town was bringing back so many memories of her past that it was causing a meltdown.

After a case where they found a dead woman's body battered and bloody near Lake Mead. The woman looked similar to her mother, the way she can remember her. Long waist length hair fair skin and a loving face with too many bruises. The husband beat her for years and she took it, for the sake of her family she took it. As long as the children were safe she continued to stay with him.

One night the husband Richard Allan struck the youngest son and the mother lost it, she struck him back trying in vain to protect her two sons. He beat her to death and tried to make a run for it with the boys but he was caught.

It touched too close to home for Sara, way too close. She struggled with this case. Normally she just became obsessed with the cases of abused women but this one was so similar to her background that she broke down once the case was solved. She went home and packed her bags draining vodka as she went. She hated vodka, it was foul and made her sick to her stomach but at this moment she wanted to be detached from the world as quickly as possible.

Suicide was not her initial plan, she wanted to go back to San Francisco, figure things out back home, but she knew she had to get out of this town before she really did die.

While intoxicated and packing to get away the thoughts started forming. She would be better off dead, her whole life was a joke. She wasn't saving people, the crime rate was growing and they weren't even putting a notch in it. She was drowning in death and her past.

While she was packing she found the pills and popped it open swallowing pills after pills.

Everything was a blur after that. But when she woke up to find Grissom staring at her she knew she had failed at her attempts. She didn't necessarily want to die, she was stronger then that but it just happened… and she was okay with that. But she was not okay with being found in this state of depression and helplessness. The humiliation of being caught in a lie when she said she was fine was demoralizing.

And now she had to be baby sat by Grissom, the man she wanted to get away from the most. She knew she forgot to change her emergency contact. She put him on there as a joke. When she first got hired she didn't know anybody and said well I will just put you so you can come save her.

He laughed, and she smiled as she wrote his name.

She regretted it, for the past year she has been meaning to change it to Jim Brass. He caught on to her when others didn't. That told her something about him that he could possibly know what she might be going through.

She couldn't really place what she was going through herself… so how were others to know? She only knew that lately she felt so tired that she couldn't sleep and so in turn she continued to work day after day. Watching Grissom slowly drift from her and talk to the new girl Sophia was not helping her conflicting emotions. With these cases of abused children and a brutal flash from the past her mind was reeling and nobody was around to help her through it, except for the alcohol.

After a mind rape of a case involving abused, neglected foster children Sara decided to look up on her mother. After years of not speaking or any kind of contact Sara decided it was time. She kept getting distracted by Sophia flirting with Grissom in his office next door. She tried her best to ignore them and drove into her research.

Then when she was suffering from her past and her depression another case came along, a mail order bride case and just as before she fell hard for this case. It grated on her nerves and she snapped at Catherine and Ecklie. She was placed on suspension and Grissom came along where she spilled a part of her life to him. He didn't need to hear anymore, just the basics, she was breaking down and needed to confide in someone.

After that, since she was on her suspension she took off and went to visit her mother. Her mother got out last year and was still living in San Francisco, but now she was living with some women who had bad pasts in China and came to the US to start their lives over. They accepted her mother and she seemed content. She was quiet and reserved but Sara at least knows she was alright living with these women.

They still never talked about that night. Sara needed closure and without it, she was starting to build up anxiety, hence the recent take on pills.

Sara was on a downward spiral and before she hit rock bottom a ledge caught her. It hurt like a bitch, but she would live… unless she scooted off the edge.


	3. Silent Preservation

**Title – Lucky **

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. But I am sure if we all pull our money together we can buy Sara and Grissom to make their own CSI together haha. **

**Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.**

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

The creaks and electrical buzzing sounds from the fridge he could handle. It was the nostalgic reminder of how lonely and empty his town house was. Only he and his experiments vacated the house… rarely. Mostly he just resided at work, along with his experiments much to everyone's dismay. They claim the experiments funk with the taste of their food.

What Gil could not take, was the sniffling he occasionally heard as he sat there on his couch, feet propped up on the coffee table in the quiet, still darkness. Any other sound in the house would easily conceal her mournful cries since she was doing her best to conceal the sounds but since he sat here in total recluse, it was easy to distinguish the gasps, hiccups and sniffles.

He stood up from his spot and stretched his aching back. He was exhausted but he would not sleep a wink. Not with Sara in this condition… she needed him to be vigilant. He stepped over to his sliding glass door which led out to the patio. There wasn't much of a sight, but beyond the lush green grass was a plain ten foot wall blocking a city of sin and deceit. The blinking lights, sirens, and honking horns were well blocked from his hearing after years and years of listening to it.

Sara grew up in California, San Francisco area and was used to calm waves soothing her to sleep versus the loud busy radical streets of Vegas. He knew this because she had admitted to him one night during a rather stressful abuse case. She didn't sleep well here, and that was why she could stay up for days on end. What she failed to mention is she fell asleep to yells and sobs every night as a child and now she suffers from night mares and post traumatic stress disorder. Vegas just awaken those thoughts.

Las Vegas, the city of hopes and disasters. It brought so many tourists and kept so many to wither and diminish. They arrive young and a pocket full of quarters in hopes of hitting the jackpot, but they either leave broke and in debt or they sign their soul to the great gods of gambling himself. Even the casino's themselves tried everything they could to keep one hidden away in the slots of money eating devil's by dimming the lights, putting no clocks anywhere and even have special carpet designs.

He chose his particular home mainly because where ever he looked he couldn't see the damn strip. Gil was intrigued by Vegas, always has and always will but interested didn't mean he had to like it all the time. When he was home he wanted to shut the Sin City out and live in his own world of peaceful bugs only doing what nature intended them to do.

He moved back from the window and went to sit at his kitchen table where a magazine lay showing a car add of a Buick driving across the Golden Gate Bridge. Gil loved to teach and share his knowledge. That was mainly why he went to teach for a few days in 'Frisco. He had to admit it was the best decision he ever made in his life.

Not only did he get to eat fresh sea food straight from the ocean, but the cool salty breeze chilled his cheeks instead of the crisp skin splitting air back in Vegas relaxed him. He took a walk after every lesson and just sat, listening to the waves.

His third day upon his arrival he saw a brunette waltz by with a tiny dog barely keeping up. He recognized her immediately, the brilliant girl in his front row asking so many questions. Sara… Sidle.

Today was the end session of their class and she lagged behind, asking questions but when she finally left he couldn't help but feel she wanted something else. He stood up from his place and walked over to her, listening and observing.

"Awe Hermes its okay… I know how you love to travel and all but we'll be home soon!" She cooed to the Chihuahua mixed with Jack-Russell dog. The dog was chubby and looked old with gray mixing with his reddish brown coat.

He made a step closer and the dog barked towards him. The young brunette turned around and looked surprised.

"Dr. Grissom!" her eyebrows held surprise but when she spoke, she gave away no hints.

"Sara…. Sidle if I remember correctly?" He approached and knelt down to pet the chubby dog.

"Hermes my dog… ancient as Zeus himself but feisty and quirky as Apollo." She brushed her hair behind her ear and Grissom felt that twinge of intrigue.

"You are brilliant Sara, never have I seen someone that interactive in my lessons before." He stood up and laughed as Hermes scratched his toes.

She just stood there and laughed. She hasn't laughed like that since he first met her. They talked for a long time, even took a picture together. They had dinner, swapped e-mails and even numbers before they parted ways.

He let his eyes drift to an appetizing drink sitting next to a young blonde woman laying next to a sex appeal tanned mussel man on a cot. They were obviously at the beach with the tropical oceans of Hawaii.

He snapped his fingers and grabbed a piece of paper, an add for another vacation spot and retreated to his bedroom for some privacy and shut the door. He had a call to make.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

Sara knew Grissom was awake and walking about the house, it was subtle, but she heard footsteps signaling his movement. She wanted nothing more then to be home, but her trust was obviously being questioned. She knew what she did was going to take some major trust building but right now… she had to wonder, was she really crazy?

She has battled with her emotions for years, brought blades to her wrists when she was young never following through and in turn resorted to pill after pill of her mother's anti depressants or valium. The abuse was dulled by the pills and was the only time Sara felt relaxed when she lay in her bed, mind swirling and contemplating. The bruises on her broken body were dulled and rarely hurt unless she ran out of pills.

Sara always wondered if a murder gene ran in her family… she felt violent and angry, especially towards domestic violence and spouse abuse cases. She would lash out and verbally attack, even hurting herself by lack of food, sleep, and rationalization. Ever since she joined the forensics academy she always battled with her inner demons, wondering if she would be able to keep them at bay and never harm another human being.

Yes Sara was constantly questioning her sanity. She spent months and months in psychiatric hospitals visiting her mother. The scent and people left a permanent imprint on her mind, scaring her forever. Laura would sit there during visiting hours just wobbling back and forth staring at noting in particular just fading in and out of consciousness. It was different from the mother she had when she was young. The one that would scream, yell, hit and hurt. Her father was the same… only he would take his anger out on her mother, breaking her jaw and fingers. He sometimes abused Sara, but mostly it was her mother. Time after time Sara thought it would have been best that she never had a relationship with her mother… unfortunately it didn't work out that way.

And she suffered for it every day of her life….

She ran her finger over the plastic hospital bracelet on her wrist and wondered what everyone would say had she succeeded in suicide? Would they investigate her house and find her dark secrets… she never washed her sheets from the other night… they would find signs of sex.

Normally Sara didn't bring men home, but her depression was wearing on her and after a long night she went to the bar for a drink and met a handsome man with olive eyes and dark brown hair. For whatever reason, lust, need for satisfaction or vent of frustration, she brought him home and slept with him. She kicked him out first thing in the morning, but she was content for the moment.

Sara sighed feeling her self pity rise again. Of all the ways to die, Sara did not want to take her own life. She did not want her life to be opened like a journal laying in a crowded street, and being a CSI she knew that exact thing would happen. She would not mind dying now… just not by her own hand. She would also like time to close up loose ends. Tell her mother how she really feels, perhaps tell Grissom what she felt also, and got rid of any past related material she possessed.

She sighed and once again lay on her side just thinking about everything. She really felt like slipping to the bottom.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

Catherine went through every shed of Sara's clothes and came up with the same conclusion, Sara was running away. As she sat at the kitchen table in Sara's apartment she read through and saw Sara was all caught up on her bills… never really having any credit. Since Sara wasn't talking she wanted to figure out if this was a set up or was this really a suicide attempt? And why the hell was she staying with Grissom instead of at a hospital?

She stood up and looked at Brass who was looking at her books. They shared a look. Catherine always like Sara, but she knew the other's were closer to her. Gil was especially fond of her and Jim treated her like a daughter in ways. Greg idolized her and Nick treated her like a close sister, Warrick was the only one to treat her like a friend and nothing more. Of course he cared for her, but it was limited.

Gil, Catherine, and Brass decided to leave the boys out of this one. They said Sara had an accident and that was it. They wanted so bad to visit her but Grissom would fend them off saying she was quiet and not up to visitors. He explained that due to past circumstances she would not be staying in any hospital and will be staying at his place. Everyone seemed to take that as a sufficient answer.

Catherine stood up from the bathroom door and took the print, "I've got a print that doesn't match Sara's."

"A visitor? Maybe this was all staged." Jim guessed.

"I'm going to check out her sheets, I never did that." The blonde walked off, Brass was on her heels.

"Sheets? What are you planning on finding?"

"Signs of sex, possible suspect if Sara didn't do this." She moved the suitcases out of the way and took out her black light, moving the sheets from side to side, "I got semen. I'll swab DNA and send it to Greg."

"Sex? Who was Sara sleeping with?" Catherine smirked. Of course he'd be upset, even under normal circumstances.

"We will just have to find out." She said as she pushed the swab into its tab.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

"Donnie Thomas, you've got answers for us…" Brass began. The print got a hit, Donnie was arrested in his prime for a DUI. They scooped him up and brought him straight in for questioning. Having no link to Sara their case wasn't going far. Only proving Sara's depression even more.

"Do you recognize this woman?" Catherine asked as she slid a photo of Sara to the man sitting across from her. Brass was sitting next to her inspecting this guy with hazy eyes.

"Aw shit, I didn't know she was a hooker I swear I didn't pay her or anything!" The man was older, probably a few years older then Sara and had dark hair with dark eyes. His jaw was firm but his hands were shaking.

Catherine tried not to look upset at the thought of Sara being a prostitute and cocked an eyebrow.

"Why don't you start by telling us what happened the night you were with her?"

"I went to a bar and she was sitting there all alone, most women who show up alone are looking for some, so I go to her table and start talking to her. She was really pretty and smart too! Not what I expected at all, so she intrigued me… I asked her what she was doing that night and she looked upset. Then she looked at me and asked if I wanted to come to her place. I was all over her invitation, I mean she had miles and miles of legs I couldn't resist! But I swear I never paid her, I did my business and the crazy broad kicked me out next morning." His eyes were wide and fearful. He looked like a pale china doll in a glass cabinet.

"That was it? You had sex with her and left?" Catherine asked.

Donnie nodded his head, "I even used protection. Look, if it makes you feel better I tried calling her, make it right by taking her out on a date but she gave me a fake number." He pulled the number out and handed it to the CSI.

Catherine nodded and handed it to Brass, "Yup, she definitely wasn't looking for anything."

Brass nodded, "Alright Mr. Thomas, thank you for your help. Do you mind keeping in touch? Just in case something comes up?"

"Of course… Look she was really nice, if she is in some kind of trouble…" He trailed off as he grabbed his coat.

Jim nodded and led the man out talking to him out in the hallway. Catherine pulled her cell out and dialed Gil's number.

"Grissom." Came the response after three rings.

"Gil it's Cath I found something out but turns out it was nothing."

"Then why are you telling me?" He sounded snippy.

"Gil we found traces of sex in Sara's bed so we followed a lead thinking this could be a set up. Turns out Sara has been going to bars picking men up and bringing them home."

He was so silent Catherine had to wonder if he was still on the line, "Gil?"

"Again… Catherine why are you telling me this? Is it relevant?" His voice was tense.

"I thought you should know how upset your CSI is." She responded defensively and clicked her phone shut. The nerve of that man. She knew he was taking this hard but damn!

She heard a beep from her phone and looked down, a text from Gil saying, 'Sorry just upset.'

She sighed and leaned against the table watching Greg and Nick walk by talking, "Me too Gil… me too."

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

Grissom didn't need the extra baggage to hold so he tried to ignore the news he just received and dialed a number, it was early but Dr. Morgan did say call whenever.

He waited a few rings until Sara's doctor picked up, "Yes, Dr. Morgan, Gil Grissom, Sara Sidle's emergency contact?"

"Everything is well… as well as it can be. I have a question, would I be able to find a psychiatrist over seas?" He waited for the reply.

"Yes I think time away from here would do her good…. I agree. Yes thank you Dr. you too good bye."

Grissom hung up his phone and went out of his room to the guest bedroom Sara resided in. He knocked and when he received no reply he let himself in and quietly treaded to her bed. She was finally asleep and not a trace of discomfort on her face. Just soft breathing.

He smiled, and softly stroked her hair letting her sleep instead of interrupting her. She needed her rest. He would tell her the news in the morning.

Grissom walked out of the room and quietly shut her door. Now that she was asleep he could get some sleep also. They had an agreement, as long as Sara proved to be doing well and kept seeing a councilor then she was free to be away from the psychiatric hospital. But if she did not progress or even attempted to hurt herself then she would be put right back in. Grissom only hoped that he could keep her occupied from her thoughts and out of danger's way that would throw her into the hospital.

Perhaps what he was planning would help ease her mind and her damaged soul. He wasn't enough to heal her, but maybe, just maybe he would be able to give her some peace.

_**Sorry to those who are reading my other story! I just have to think of how to write it out and I will get that story done. For now I hope all who are reading this story are enjoying themselves! I am trying very hard to get this to be accurate to the show. I would like many to see this happening … it is my goal! **_


	4. Journey over Seas

**Title – Lucky **

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. But I am sure if we all pull our money together we can buy Sara and Grissom to make their own CSI together haha. **

**Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.**

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

It was early in the morning when Grissom's phone went ringing. After years of being interrupted after only a couple of hours of sleep he was a pro at grabbing his phone and speaking coherently. Most people would grumble out words most people wouldn't understand in a dream state. But the CSI's were always attentive.

"Grissom."

"Gil, It's Cath. Sorry to bug you but Ecklie just cancelled overtime for extra small cases. Gil it's closed, Brass and I ruled it as suicide attempt. No other leads … I'm sorry. Just… take that vacation and make her happy."

"I will, thank you Catherine." He yawned into the phone and shut it, setting it down. He knew they would find nothing. Sara was acting too embarrassed to be a victim. She is upset at herself, not anyone else like a normal victim.

He rubbed his eyes and sat up looking at the clock, almost 7AM. He pulled his sheets off and took a quick shower freshening up. He had to admit as he was lathering up his hair that having Sara here was a new experience. He couldn't stroll around the house naked like he usually does on hot days, or sit in his office all day and just work on paperwork. It was enjoyable having her stay though.

He rinsed off and started to towel off walking into his bedroom. Since he had the master bedroom he had his bathroom connected. Once he picked a clean outfit to wear he started a pot of coffee and went to wake Sara up.

He knocked and once again received no answer. He opened her door and found her bed empty. For a moment his heart skipped a beat, but he heard the shower running in the hallway bathroom and sighed in relief. Well… if she is feeling well enough for her personal hygiene that is always a good sign.

He left her room, he'd make her breakfast and tell her the news then. He made eggs, hash browns and toast. She must have been hungry because she appeared dressed and toweling off her hair.

He turned around and smiled, "Good morning." She only nodded her greeting and sat down.

He set down their food and placed a cup of orange juice in front of her. She muttered thank you and slowly but surely began picking at her food.

"Sara… what do you say to going somewhere for awhile?"

She looked up and coked an eyebrow, "you're sending me away?" She didn't blame him… he couldn't take care of her. She was too old for that, but she really didn't want to be in a hospital.

"No dear, with me." He looked at her face and saw surprise. That sparkle that appeared in her eyes when he handed her a new case, or told her good job.

"Where?"

He smiled like a child. Perhaps this could work, it had to. He messed up pretty bad and not only messed with an already sick person but added to it. He would make this right, he had too… Sara needed someone. He stood up and walked fast to his bedroom and pulled out the brochure and set it down in front of her.

Lush green trees covered the laminated add, rain sprinkled off of the leaves leaving drops of water sparkling in the sunlight. Puddles of mud occupied the forest floors. On the title it read Get Natural with Rainforests.

She looked up, "A rainforest?"

"I thought a place away from civilization would do well with you. I picked Queensland Australia. It's a rainforest and has a tiny population, just the village people and the tourists. Which this time of year is nobody since it rains almost everyday." He wanted so bad for Sara's approval but her lips were straight and her eyes gave nothing away.

"Griss… I can't… it's too much. A trip like this would cost hundreds." But her fingers kept turning the pages. Tropical birds, to snakes, bugs, land marks and even rivers and rafting.

"Sara," He set his hand on top of the brochure and smiled when her eyes met him, "I want to. I've already set it up with my travel agent. All we have to do is pack and meet up at the air port. It will be a learning experience for the both of us!"

She leaned her head down and smiled. But when he saw the tear drops he frowned and was by her side in an instant. He crouched down and kept his hand on the table, the other lay on his thigh.

"Sara?" He didn't want to get too close to her, she needs her space, he will let her come to him, "When you are ready I will listen to you, we will talk about what happened but you are not ready. Let's leave, leave everything behind and I swear to you Sara I will not ignore you or run away. I'm… I'm not very good with words but I'll try for you, believe me when I say that you are my best friend."

Her head shot up and her eyes were wide. She looked innocently gorgeous with tears pooling on the rims of her eyes. Grissom laughed, "Yes Sara I know I don't act like it, but you are my best friend. You listen to me even when I don't give you my time, you are always there when I need back up and never expect something in return… you never judge me like the rest."

"You don't have to do this." She whispered.

Grissom smiled, "But I want to. I asked you to come to Vegas… and to show my gratitude I pushed you away. Let's just forget our lives and start something new by researching the rainforest. Nobody knows what happened over in Australia Sara… no one can judge you."

Her bitter laugh hurt him, but she nodded her head giving him approval of his decision. His smile grew and he helped her up, "Come my dear we must pack for weeks! I will buy you new clothes if you need any."

"But I could just grab more things at home."

Gil stopped in the hallway and frowned, "Not now Sara. You are not ready. You have most of your clothes… just let me know if you need anything." He stepped away and into his own room pulling out a few suitcases.

Sara's things were already packed, she never got around to unpacking so she just sat in the room. She has never been to a rainforest and was rather excited to be leaving away from everyone and everything. She was still embarrassed to be in front of Grissom but his words touched her. "You never judge me… my best friend."

How could she? He was her mentor, her idol. She looked up to him and wanted nothing more then his praise. Her whole life she wanted someone to praise her, to want, or except her. In college she got smiles and 'well done!' from teachers but they were never fulfilling. Boys wanted her, lusted after her, sex with them was never satisfying. It was adding to the itch. That was until she met him. He was older, wiser, charming, handsome, and funny. He gave her the praise she needed. His words were genuine and touched her like nothing else. He told her how brilliant she was, told her how far she could go, even let her ask every single one of her questions instead of becoming intimidated by her. She has needed this fulfillment her whole life. Once she got the release she needed more of his admiration. He began to grow further and further once she moved to Las Vegas and Sara was falling back into her hole of darkness.

Sara has always needed a mother or even a father. Someone who taught her the ways of life, the right way. Growing up with kindness having it imprinted on your soul, not having to learn it. She needed a friend, a companion, a teacher, or someone who is just there for her. She never had someone to hold her when she was scared, or tell her it was going to be alright and kiss the pain away when she cut herself or received bruises. Parents weren't supposed to give the cuts and bruises. She always needed to hear the love and praise from her parents but they weren't ever heard. It was why Sara craved attention and wanted to be the star pupil.

Grissom has admitted to the things she has needed to hear her whole life, "You are my best friend." And he really meant it. So he hasn't admitted to wanting to jump her bones, but it was a start… she's heard that line before… but one knows when it's just a flavor of the week or a true friend. Gil Grissom really meant his words.

Because in all honestly, she would rather have his friendship then his … sex. Though that would be a plus! She was just tumbling down a bad spiral her whole life, and he was the one person that actually shed some light. Even with her eyes shut tight his light still shown through. That was why his denials and ignorance affected her so much. He was special, even if the jerk didn't know it.

Grissom packed everything he basically had, they would go shopping in Australia once they got a feel for the weather. He paid his bills for this month and the next, made sure everything was turned off and in its place. He went to find Sara and found her bags already by the door. She was on the couch.

He smiled that smile she only sees when he is offered to go to the body farm or a unique case, "I do believe we are just in time to make it to the air port. I called a cab, should be down stairs."

Since they would be staying for almost a month Sara had four bags and Grissom had five bags. How could a man have more clothes then her? Maybe he had other stuff. Grissom's five bags were stuffed in the trunk while Sara's were stuffed in the back with her. Grissom took the front seat. The drive to McCarron was short since it was still relatively early in Vegas, the city comes alive at night. Grissom checked their bags and handed the flight attendant their tickets. He even let her have the window seat. She couldn't help but just forget everything she's done.

As they sat there reading their books, or Sara at least pretending to read her book and looking out the window to see the tiny buildings of Las Vegas. Good bye life, I will be back shortly. She thought bitterly.

She tried to read her book, but something about the elevation got to her. Grissom hasn't said much of anything except they were going to Queensland to the rainforest. She wasn't going to lie, she was excited. She felt stupid, he was doing this to keep her occupied. She was being praised for being stupid.

She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew Grissom was gently shaking her awake.

"Hey, we're here. Come on you're going to love this…. I hope." He stood up and she did too noticing they were nearly the last ones to exit the plane.

After an hour of waiting to get their bags they went to eat at a small café for lunch and then outside to wait for a taxi cab. As soon as Sara walked outside the first thing she felt was an intense humidity. She looked at her watch and saw they have only been on the plane for around five hours.

"Grissom where are we?" She asked looking around and not recognizing anything.

"Florida."

"Florida? Why are we here?" She asked and blushed when a taxi driver pulled up and winked at her.

Grissom just laughed and started picking up his bags when the taxi driver opened the trunk. He must not have noticed the sultry looks, "It's a surprise Sara, if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise."

"Alright… I trust you …"

After thirty minutes of being unbearably eye fucked Sara scrambled out of the cab and wondered just how Grissom didn't notice! He just kept talking about landmarks and places he's read in books while the sleezy cab driver kept nodding and saying yes while his eyes traveled hungrily down Sara's well how ever far he could go. Pervert.

"The coast line?" Sara asked Grissom standing next to him viewing the vast ocean with small and large boats. Docks and people scrambled about trying to catch their last minute cruises. She looked at the cab driver pulling their bags out and once again his eyes traveled over her body, she silently gave him her middle finger.

"Yeah, isn't it great? We're taking the rest of the way on a boat. Not exactly a cruise… I didn't want you to be situated around too many people right now… if you don't mind. So I got us a spot as volunteers on a research boat, pretty big but no where near a cruise size. Plus these guys are a bunch of science nerds."

Sara smiled, he knew her so well, was so thoughtful, and incredibly intelligent but damn he was thick as hell, especially with the cab driver sticking his tongue out and making obscene gestures towards her as he set the bags down behind Grissom.

"I like the idea, I really do Grissom. Thank you." She said sweetly and actually smiled, and when his back was turned to gather up the suitcases Sara picked up a rock and chucked it at the pervert's head and gave him her finger once again.

"Ouch!" He rubbed his head where an angry welt was forming.

Grissom turned around, "You okay?"

"No She…" But Sara's death glare stopped him dead in his tracks, "A bird… nasty buggers. Hit me in the head."

Grissom shrugged and looked up towards the sky where only seagulls vacated, "Well I'll be sure to buy us some hats on our journey."

"I mean you're right, this is an experience, and I don't want to be around too many people. Especially taxi drivers." She muttered the last part imperceptibly.

"I'm going to get these bags on board, here's some money for the driver." He said handing her more then enough for the fare. Sara smiled evilly. Now he wouldn't get a tip.

Once he walked away Sara smirked at the guy and he frowned he knew what that meant.

"Aw come on sweety I was just having some fun." He had a rich Hispanic accent laced with southern. A unique combination.

"Yeah, me too. Here." She handed him the exact amount and picked up her bags.

"No tip baby?" A vein popped on her forehead. 'baby… what a schmuck.' She thought.

With all four bags in her hand she miraculously turned around and grabbed his car keys before he noticed and tossed them into the shoreline, "Right there…. _Baby_." And as quickly as she could ran to catch up with Grissom ignoring his shouts and obscene words.

When she reached him at the loading dock she smiled a shinning gap tooth grin at him. He smiled back truly happy to see her smiling truly.

They walked up the ramp and met up with a middle aged man holding a clip board.

"Dr. Gilbert Grissom and Sara Sidle I presume?" He asked smiling softly. His light hair contrasted nicely with his grey eyes.

"That's us, I'm the entomologist and Sara is the materials and elements specialist. We'll do anything to help." Grissom shook the man's hand and smiled.

"Nice to meet you both, I'm Daniel Hanes. I worked as a professor for years on marine biology, finally retired and joined these guys, great ship to learn and train on that's for sure. You are in for one hell of a few days to Australia. Get your sea legs on."

Sara smiled. This wasn't the average way to get from here to there, but this is how she would have always wanted it. A journey, an experience from traveling from one place to the next set her senses on over drive.

As the two walked away Daniel called back to them, "One more thing! We had two more volunteers, since we were already booked I denied them, but he seemed most insistent that he come… so I really hope you do not mind but we combined your two rooms to one cabin. I took the liberty of putting you into the biggest room we have though!"

"It's okay, thank you. Where would it be?" Sara asked.

"Oh! Here, see this map? You will be right here where the living corridors are."

"Thank you Daniel." Grissom said picking up his bags once more and taking off to their room.

Sara stole a glance back at the shoreline knowing she wouldn't be able to see land for awhile. The sight was enough to make her day, the cab driver searching knee deep in cold water for his missing keys.

They reached their cabin and opened the steel door. They set their bags down and began their inspection of the room.

"Two beds… this won't be so bad." Sara said walking over to a tiny port hole out looking the vast ocean.

"It's not first class, but"

"It's perfect." She cut him off when she spun around to answer. The two tiny beds were separated by a tiny nightstand, and on the adjoining wall was the smallest of desks. Just beyond that was a small, yet clean bathroom. "We are getting away, learning and researching… Grissom this is perfect."

All he could do was smile and sit on his now presumed bed, "I'm glad. When we get to Australia you will have your own room."

Sara laughed and sat on her bed also. How did this man know just what she needed, yet cause her so much grief for so long? She told herself not to dwell on the past, since it put her in a bad predicament and just focus on the present and future. She would do just that.

_**Well here we are another chapter! Our two geeks are out to sea for adventure! Send out ideas if you have been out on sea on something similar like this or just send your thoughts anyways, I love hearing you guys. it makes me write faster! :D**_


	5. Bliss and Grief

**Title – Lucky **

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. But I am sure if we all pull our money together we can buy Sara and Grissom to make our own CSI together haha. **

**Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.**

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

The waves crashing against the Rusty USS was relaxing and majestic at the same time. They have been at sea for a day now and dinner was served in the eating quarters, a rather large table put in a small room. The men would talk about what they have learned or what they are doing here. During the day they would pull sea creatures up and either save them from a horrible death due to pollution or study them for a few hours and then release them into the blue sea. The sun danced off of the waves and their boat danced along. It was truly magnificent, being out in the middle of sea with no lands or other people surrounding them. It was also deadly terrifying and relaxing to have no one around to help in case of danger.

The sights would have been more magnificent if Sara wasn't crouched over the side puking her guts out and having the dolphins follow their boat and swim off every time Sara puked.

Grissom was kneeling on the ground next to Sara taking pictures of sand dollars and telling her to take a look and all she could do was give Grissom, 'are you serious' look. Daniel made his way to the two and smiled sympathetically at Sara.

"I told you to bring your sea legs dear." He looked at her wrist and saw the pressure ball wrist band.

"She's been like that all night. Will it get better?" Grissom asked as he photographed some more.

Daniel sat next to Grissom and they both watched as Sara hurled again. "Yes. One day she will wake up and be perfectly fine, like it never happened."

Gil nodded and picked up the sand dollars and headed over to the side and dropped them back down to be released in their natural habitat.

They spent the whole day yesterday getting to know everyone. Most men were either divorced or lost their wives to death or just on a learning experience. There was only one female on this ship, her name was Emma and she was married to the captain. She was about ten years older then Sara but was sweet and gentle just like a sea guppy.

She told Sara that these men were harmless and not at all like sea men would normally behave. These were just lonely or curious men looking for adventure and knowledge. Some where like family and other's were just like she and Grissom, travelers.

They ate dinner and shared stories. Sara and Grissom stayed silent only observing and when it was time they all left to their sleeping corridors. Grissom slept soundly, but Sara woke up in the middle of the night puking her guts out. And been like that all day.

Grissom was upset that Sara couldn't enjoy the view, especially when he stood up he could see nothing but the vast blue ocean, jumping dolphin's and sometimes he would see flocks of seagulls heading towards land. The air was so crisp and he could even taste the salt when he licked his lips.

After awhile he left Sara on a bench to rest, sun light was what she needed, not to be cooped up in a bed where she would get clammy and have a fever. He joined some marine biologists catching fish, crabs, and a turtle in a bucket of water. Each were studied, examined, documented and sent back to their home. Gil watched in fascination until a red headed Scottish man called him over.

"Eh, ye get over here! I see ye watchin' in interest." Gil was sure his name was Seamus. His accent was thick but He was sure he got his words down.

Grissom nodded, "This is my first time. Her's too," He nodded his head over to Sara who was now sleeping with her arm over her eyes.

A tanned boy nodded, "She your lover?" Todd was his name.

"No she is my colleague, we are here on an experience… although she is learning sea isn't her area."

Seamus laughed, "Give her some ginger tea, we've got plenty. And feed her plenty o' crackers."

Grissom nodded, "thank you, I will do that." He looked over and saw Sara disappeared. He frowned but shrugged guessing she was probably heading down to her bed. Instead of following her just yet in case she needed her privacy he plopped down and copied what the other men were doing. Study, examine, document and send back the sea creatures.

After awhile he stood up and groaned at his aching knees. It was time for him to find Sara. Since it wasn't a huge ship it didn't take him long to get some ginger tea and then head back to their tiny room. He knocked softly and as usually, no reply. He opened the door slowly and he frowned, Sara was on her side lying in bed. She had a trash can by her side.

He sat at the end of her bed and placed his hand on her ankle, she was warm, "Hey Sara… you doing alright?" stupid question but he preferred the formalities.

"You know once when I was about six my father took my mother and I on this boat he borrowed from a friend. At first it was fine, until we got further into the ocean, my parents started fighting … again. I got out of their way like usual and hid under one of the seats. I heard a crack and knew he hit my mother again. It must have been a good one because the arguing stopped." She took a deep breath and moved her hand down to rest on her belly.

"I heard footsteps and I guess at that time I was sea sick also, plus mixed with stress and fear because I threw up on my father's shoes. He was so mad and grabbed me by my hair yelling at me. My mother yelled something about putting me down. So he did. He threw me in the ocean."

All Gil could do was listen even though the anger was boiling in his veins. He hated her past, it broke his heart but he was thankful she was telling him and not keeping it hidden anymore.

"I was a good swimmer, so I kept my head up, I kept screaming begging that I wouldn't be sick anymore but he wouldn't listen. My mother came and started yelling at him again. They ignored me… and I began to sink. I think… that was my first close look at death. I was sinking further in the ocean, too tired to move my arms or legs, my lungs hurt so bad and my eyes stung because I never shut them. My ears and head began throbbing from the sinking… and I think I was ready to die so I closed my eyes."

Grissom's frowned deepened and his brow was furrowed tightly. His fingers were tighter on her ankle. What could he say? He was never good with words. He wanted to take the bad memories away and replace them with childhood memories of playing in the backyard listening to Credence Clearwater Revival playing Barbies.

"The next thing I remember was my father standing over me blocking the sun looking strange… almost… guilty. Laura just kept yelling." She smiled and sat up slightly, "I've always loved the ocean… but that fear of drowning always kept me away. When you brought me aboard I was so excited, because I knew I would be safe with you." She smiled and he returned it, once again reaching for her hand.

"Sara… this probably isn't the best time… but did you know my mother is deaf?"

She cocked her head and stared at him, "no… but … that would explain how you can sign."

He nodded, "My father died when I was nine, and my mother's disease hit her sometime before that so my childhood was mostly lived in silence. I couldn't understand why it was so loud at school and so quite at home."

"Is it hereditary?"

Grissom smiled and nodded, "I was loosing my hearing a few years back, about two years ago. Remember when you asked me out to dinner?"

Sara nodded, "You declined."

"I was afraid. I was loosing my hearing, and without my hearing there would be no career for me. So I began to loose self confidence in myself. That day you asked me, I was scheduling an appointment for surgery."

Her eyes widened slightly and she looked green.

"Need the trash?" when she nodded he handed her the bin and she puked. It sounded painful, especially since nothing was in her stomach anymore.

When she was done she wiped her mouth and muttered sorry, "I wish you would have told me… then I wouldn't have thought you were an ass haha."

"Oh I'm still an ass… for ignoring you all those years. I've treated you bad Sara… and I think when you are ready we should talk."

Sara nodded her head in agreement.

"Oh! I brought you something," He reached over to his bag and pulled out a thermos filled with hot ginger tear, "Here it will make you feel ten times better… or so I'm told."

Sara smiled her thanks and sipped away at the tea until she fell asleep into a comfortable sleep.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

Daniel was right. That night Grissom went to sleep making sure to check on Sara and the next morning he heard the shower running. When she came out fully dressed her cheeks were rosy and the color was back to her skin. She said she felt great and couldn't wait to start doing something other then laying in bed.

After Grissom's shower they joined the other men for breakfast and laughed at the teasing jokes Sara received.

"Forget your sea legs doll?"

"Did the tea help?"

"We thought it was morning sickness for a moment!" Sara and Grissom blushed at that comment.

After breakfast they headed to the main research port on the small ship. Grissom and Daniel showed Sara what they were doing the day before and the twinkle in her eyes was showing. She was happy, truly happy.

When she helped solve crimes her eyes used to shine, she was excited about helping people, not only catching the bastard that killed them, but closure for the family. Now she would just sit there frowning in frustration, forget closure they didn't even need to loose their loved one.

But now she was washing off a turtle's back with Dawn's dishwasher soap smiling and cooing at the small reptile. The turtle's back was covered in oil, must have happened a while ago and they happened to have caught the little guy. She was sitting Indian style with her legs crossed, hair pulled up in a pony tail, and scrubbing away at the turtle's back. She would laugh when his head popped out or coo at him when his claws scratched her.

She was beautiful, and oh so kind. She was a strong, passionate woman and he always believed she belonged in a preschool full of kids or work at a Vet. But she chose a dark profession. Such a sweet soul for a morbid career.

It was taking a toll on her, not only was her past a factor, but he was a factor, and the job was a factor in her breakdown. What bother's him most is that he knows what a troubled past she has and yet he still continued to berate and disregard her. He always knew from her infatuation and drive that her will to fight was strong that … he forgot she was as frail as any human with unsteady emotions.

"Here you go Speedy, all better!" She cooed to the reptile, he was sure she was going to kiss him, but she refrained and set him in the pan ready to go back home.

"Speedy?" Grissom asked, he viewed her silently sitting across from her, brushing off some star fish.

Sara just smiled and picked up a few clams studying them.

After a few more hours taking pictures and hearing Sara's squeals of delights the men packed up and showered, getting ready for dinner. It was around this time that the hot water ran out, so they were left to take cold showers, but nobody complained, because this was where they want to be.

Sara was exceptionally pleased when she found out everyone on board didn't eat meat on voyages. Since meat would rot during their voyage they did not keep any. Fish was an option, but after studying them everyday they refused to eat them, seeing them alive and then eating them did not seem civilized.

Surprisingly Grissom did not complain either, he only complimented on what he was eating.

"So freckles," Todd, the young tanned boy said addressing Sara. He thought she was adorable and intriguing. He reminded Grissom of Greg, "You weren't bothered at all staying in the heat all day and getting dirty… do you do this kind of thing everyday?"

Sara shrugged and ate some more noodles, she didn't want to talk about her career right now… she was already having enough trouble's thinking about going back and facing the embarrassment and pity. "I went fishing a lot." She lied.

"You would'n notice wit your sickness." Seamus gave a laugh that was deep within his belly.

Sara laughed lightly also. These men weren't pigs, they were nice and humorous. She was even forgetting what happened back at home just being out on sea and with Grissom helping her along. She really owed him an explanation. It was the least she could do.

Once the sun set and dinner was over, Sara spent the rest of her evening watching the moon dance across the waters. Weird lights would shine beneath the surface and if she remembered correctly from her marine biology classes it was the chemicals and salts mixing that caused a light show.

Grissom said he was going to read for a bit unless she wanted to sleep. She said she wanted to take a walk. So she did, until she made it to the front of the ship. The view cultivated her, and now understood why back then men would leave their families and sail the big ocean blue in search for adventure, because at night it was just them and beauty.

Sara sighed heavily and leaned against the rails. What a week… being found by her neighbor near death must have been traumatizing. To Sara, she has seen death everyday and knew what it looked like, but she has never seen anyone she knew. She grew attached to the victims and a bond was formed immediately to abused victims but she still never knew them.

She also knew that Grissom and Catherine worked secretly trying to hide her personal business from the lab, but sooner or later, when she got back it was going to leak out and the pity gazes would not seize.

"You look lost dear." Sara turned fast to the voice that pierced the silent night.

Daniel Hanes. "In a way I am." She spoke softly.

The blonde haired man came up and stood next to her, "You know when I first joined this volunteer ship I had just retired and a year after that I caught my wife cheating on me. I left her, I gave her everything, money, children, a home and for seven years she was cheating on me. Once the divorce was final and she was to receive nothing from me, I left and went to sea. It took me awhile but after being out here with these guys for so long my grief subsided. Trust me dear, I know when someone is running from something or confused."

Sara looked at him with sympathy, "Now don't look at me like that, I've wanted that look for a long time, but now… being out here with fresh air and pure nature I get sick thinking about how I used to be. I don't want pity, nor do I want revenge, I just want … to enjoy my life."

Wasn't that what she wanted? She didn't want to be pitied for what she did, she just wanted to get away from it all and start over, start new. "Happiness can only exist with acceptance." She whispered.

"Sorry?"

She turned to look at him once more, "Grissom once told me, that happiness can only exist with acceptance. I don't know why or how, but he must have known … how unhappy I was. I am like you, I do not want pity so he took me away, and I am happier running away."

Daniel nodded, "I have found my purpose out here, when you feel it is right, you will go back home."

Sara nodded and looked back out to the ocean.

"Go on dear, get your rest, when we get to Australia you will wish you had rested." Sara wasn't sure what he meant, but she believed him and went back to her sleeping chambers. Grissom was already asleep so she took her time in the dark getting ready for bed. She stood by the window port and gazed longingly out. She wished things were different. Her whole life was a huge fuck up. It wasn't her fault; she made it the best she could by getting a good education and getting a great career instead of turning to sex and drugs.

She leaned her warm cheek against the cold metal of the ship's walls and let her tears fall. She was a fucking crab. She spent her life acting hard and cold, hating other's who hurt and caused harm. She took them down and sent them to prison, it was her life's goal to lock up people like her parents, and yet she was weak. She was crumbling inside, everyday she got a glimpse of her past and the little girl that would hide under her bed was coming out once again. Sara thought she was dead; she wanted nothing more then for her to be dead. But that just wasn't the case…

Instead she a loud her inner emotions to consume her that night and in turn almost killed herself. She wiped her tears and stood up straight. Sidle was coming back, she was strong and kicked ass, but sometimes Sara got in her way, and caused problems.

"Everyone has problem's Sara…" She whispered to herself and slowly crawled into bed, determined to forget the past and focus on the future.

Sara wasn't afraid to admit it, she needed help. When she had time to think and be by herself she would grieve and have nightmares when she was awake. She would imagine the beatings when faced with abused victims. Sometimes when she saw blood she would get flashbacks of standing there with wide scared eyes in the corner of the room, watching the blood slide to the floor making a sickening dripping noise as it added to the huge red puddle. The iron stench would be forever imprinted in her mind and it made Sara dizzy, yet still she watched and examined the blood.

Sara sat up, she couldn't sleep. And how her thoughts were going tonight she'd be having nightmares all night. Sara didn't want to scare Grissom. She stood up and went to the tiny bathroom where she stored her toiletries. Sleeping pills were hidden in an eye contact container. Grissom took all of her pills away so she had to do something. She took one and swallowed. After mere seconds of trying to make it to the bed she stumbled, she was feeling the affects. Good, she thought, and collapsed on the bed dead asleep.

Grissom's eyes closed the second he heard her waltz in the room. She looked at him and walked to the window apparently thinking he was sleep. She needed quiet time, so he'll pretend for her.

But as soon as he heard her cheek thud against the cool metal and the sniffling his heart went out to her. She grieved during the night. He wanted nothing more then to hold her and take her pain away… but he couldn't because she wanted to be left alone.

He watched as her silent sobs wracked her body, she looked so far away and yet only a few feet away from him. She stood tall and wiped her tears away saying, "Everyone has problem's Sara." It was so quiet but he heard it.

Only the unfortunate ones had problem's like you dear. He thought silently. She doesn't understand that it's okay to hurt, and ask for help. What she had to face as a child is traumatizing and is taking an affect on her adult life.

He watched as she crawled into bed, and tossed and turned for a few minutes before she sat up and went straight to the bathroom and grabbed something from her bag. She popped something into her mouth and the minute she hit the bed sound asleep Grissom knew she smuggled some sleeping pills in. He would find them in the morning, but for now he was glad she was getting her rest. His sigh was for her and as always his heart went out to her.

_**Whew!! So sorry for this long chapter!! I just kept writing and I was still going on until I realized how long this was…. So I cut it off haha. I love the reviews you guys are sending my way! Keep them up, make my ego as big as Bono's! :D**_


	6. Comfort

**Title – Lucky **

**Disclaimer – I don't own CSI :(. But I am sure if we all pull our money together we can buy Sara and Grissom to make our own CSI together haha. **

**Summary – Grissom comes face to face with his worst fears. WARNING major Sara angst. **

**Rating – T**

**Author's Note – This story takes place sometime around the fifth season.**

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

Grissom leaned against the door frame adjoining their room to the bathroom and shook his head. Since he woke up three hours ago Sara hasn't moved from her position and he was sure as hell that she was in the same position since she first fell asleep. She lay on her belly and took up the whole bed. Her right leg was curled at the knee coming close to her abdomen, and her other leg was splayed straight but more towards the other side of the bed. Her arms were bent at the elbows and on each side of her. He could see her face, even under that head of hair, she looked content and he almost wanted to let her sleep but ten hours of sleep was more then enough shut eye.

He shuffled over to her and shook her by the shoulder blades, "Wake up now. Come on Sara, time to wake up." But she wouldn't budge. Now he was getting irritated, how many damn pills did she take?

He tried again, harder and this time he got a response, a kick to his thigh and a mutter of incoherent obscene words.

Oh that does it, he grabbed the sheets and pulled them hard away from her, "Sara Sunflower Sidle!"

That did it, her head popped up and her eyes turned to slits once she realized Grissom used the unspoken word. Only he and a few rare select people knew Sara's middle name.

"I'm up… you didn't have to go there." She grumbled. She hated her name. Her parents were probably high on weed when they named her. True hippies they were. They owned a Bed and Breakfast in Tamales just a few miles from San Francisco and had huge fields of golden corn crops and weeds. When Sara wasn't being punished she would spend her days running through the fields getting sweaty and dirty. She would sing songs like California Dreamin' or San Francisco (Be sure to wear flowers in your hair). Then night would come and she would be punished for getting so dirty. But it was worth it. Her middle name was a reminder of her hippie past, but secretly… even having to endure the abuse she was still happy to have been a hippie.

In fact during her day journeys she learned to be appreciative of bugs and more loving towards the animal kingdom. That was why she secretly liked her middle name… maybe if she hadn't lived the life she hadn't she wouldn't be who she it today, a strong, willed, passionate CSI. Although… she probably wouldn't have break downs…

Grissom looked at her with a frown and held his hand out, "where are they?"

She sat up cross legged and rubbed the sleep from her eyes, "Where are what?"

"Don't play stupid with me Sara, I'll go search everything you have if I have too. The pills, where are your sleeping pills?"

Sara's chin fell down, she has been caught, "Griss… I can't… I … they help me sleep. I swear I only have a tiny bit."

Grissom sighed heavily and sat on the edge of her bed facing her and set her sheets back on the bed, "Look … I know they help you sleep but… Sara you will grow an addiction. You probably already have. Give them to me, If I see you absolutely can't sleep then I will give you them."

She looked appalled, and who wouldn't he was treating her like a child. But he had to protect her and right now that was keeping her away from pills that could very well put her system into shock. She just had her fucking stomach pumped!

"Please." He added giving her those sad marine blue eyes.

She gave that defeated sigh and stood up walking towards the bathroom. Fine, she would give him the pills… he was right. She was becoming dependent on the damn things. They gave her dreamless sleep though… if anyone were in her shoes they'd want them too. She grabbed the contact case and handed them to him and slammed the bathroom door shut.

He flinched but this was for her own good. He couldn't have her popping pills to help her sleep every night… this is what got her here in the first place.

He heard the water running in the shower but since he was so close to the door her sobs were unmistakable. His heart felt heavy again. He leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor feeling horrible again. He hated to hear her cry… he hated anything that made Sara upset. He laughed at the irony at that. He was constantly upsetting her. He couldn't just grab her by the arms and crash his lips on hers and make every little bad thing she felt go away. It didn't work that way! He was her boss and she was his subordinate. They both had issues they need to work on, both were work-a-holics and both too stubborn to even listen to each other.

He put his face in his hands, god he was an idiot, they were perfect for each other… so why was it so hard to tell her? He wanted nothing more then to be her friend, to protect her, to guide her and love her as far as a supervisor can. And he does do all of that… at times. He thumped his head on the wall and came to a conclusion, he was sick of running from her, he stood in the rain before, and he will do it again. If she came to him in hopes of a relationship then he will take her. He won't pursue her and confuse her. He will wait for her, after all he messed it up in the beginning so for him to pursue her on his own time would just be greedy. No…. Sara had to come to him.

Stupid! So stupid! She got caught, of course she got caught, he was one of the top CSI's in the US. She let the cold water rush over her body, she was shivering and that made the tears show up easier but at this point she didn't care. She was so embarrassed. Not to mention so ashamed. She slid to the bottom of the stall and sat trying to contain her emotions. She was not weak and would not cry. Stop it! She yelled at herself. If she could deal with having her jaw bashed in as a child then she could handle shame from Grissom.

Who was she kidding? Any negative thoughts from Grissom were torture on her psyche.

After her shower she toweled off and got into clean clothes, Grissom was on his bed thumbing the contact case and looked at her as she appeared hair wet and curling around her cheeks.

"I um… I'm sorry for getting angry at you." And left it at that, she didn't need to go into a whole pity party about how every choice he has made it best for her. She wouldn't admit she needed help right now.

"Sara…" he picked up the white case and handed it to her, "I trust you Sara. I am not going to lie that last night when I saw you pop the pill I freaked and sat up listening to you breathe the whole night, making sure you were still breathing. But… in my personal experiences dealing with things like this I think… trusting you will be a better choice in helping you recover. Besides I think my disappointment in you would hurt worse then a reprimand if you chose to go back." He smirked passively.

Sara smiled and reached for the case feeling pride again. God what wasn't there to love about this man? She had that confident smile, the one that told Grissom she had just put some asshole away to jail and chucked the pills out the port hole away in the ocean.

"You're right, I don't need them, just when I can't sleep your staying awake with me." The smirk on her face told him she was serious.

He gave her an arched eyebrow and stood up, breakfast?"

"Starving."

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~ ***

After breakfast the scientists gathered and did some more studying. Tonight would be their last night on this ship and mark the arrival in Australia. Then the occupants would do some land research, that is where Grissom and Sara split off. They are heading on their own journey, getting home will be by plane once they are done in the rainforest.

After hours of having an overcast day filled with laughs and jokes they cleaned up and went for dinner. By the time Grissom and Sara left the eating table they were surprised to find it raining steadily.

"We're getting closer to land, rainclouds form better near land." Grissom explained.

Sara shivered and wrapped her fingers around her upper arms, "The wind sure is crisp."

"Come on, we'll spend the night watching the storm in our room." After a sharp jerk from a strong wave crashing onto the side of the boat Sara agreed and followed Grissom down the stairs to the safety of their room. She smirked at that thought, they were floating in the middle of nowhere with only metal shafts protecting them from drowning.

Grissom was ahead of her and she was walking slowly along… thinking and reliving memories. The sway of the ship was rambling her brains, and thoughts. Her eyes would shift to the rusty pipes and water stained iron walls. The smell was brining back memories, iron casting off of the walls, the noises and creaks reminded her of the many footsteps in the house trying to get the little girl away from the scene.

So many incoherent voices were speaking to her, but she could not understand them. The men on the ship were talking and again they weren't making any sense to her … all she could remember was voices speaking to her.

She never realized that she stopped in the middle of the ships hallway staring off into space until Grissom's warm fingers grasped her around her wrist.

"You okay?" She looked at him with hazy eyes and nodded.

"I'm fine,"

"Really? Because I have been calling you for over two minutes."

Sara frowned, maybe it was time she explained everything to him, told him for once what she was feeling instead of covering up with an, 'I'm fine'.

"Grissom? I think… we need to talk." When his eyes reached hers he knew what she meant and he nodded leading her back to their room. Once there he sat down on his bed and waited for her next movement.

She walked over to the port hole looking outside where a dangerous, yet amazing storm was.

"When I was younger… I have always considered suicide. But I would read mystery novels all day long and knew I never wanted to have my body found and discovered. I didn't want my secrets opened up like that, everyone would know what a life I had and take pity on me instead of see the real me. They would just see the abused girl. So I kept telling myself it would get better, just wait."

She took a moment before continuing and Grissom waited for her, "I have issues, I have some serious issues… and I … I have ignored them for the longest time." She was keeping her back turned from him purposely, "As time goes on I see these abuse cases and I get flash backs of my past. They just keep hitting me and I can't stop the memories, they get stronger and stronger until… I can't focus anymore all I see is justice. I loose my sense of time and reality as I dig into these cases."

Sara turned around to face him and his heart broke when he saw her cheeks were flushed and her eyes shinning bright with unshed tears. "When it's over the thoughts are still there. I go home and drink myself to sleep but the nightmares consume me. You have to understand that when somebody is put under that much negative and trauma it is hard to see clearly."

She wiped furiously at her eyes and sat heavily on the bed across from Grissom. "I have been fighting this for a very long time Grissom and lately… god I hate to sound as if I am begging for pity but I'm not. Lately the way you have been ignoring me has gotten to me. You see I've had … men in my life but it seemed our relationship was only based on sex. But with you… you see me for my brains, you have an understanding of… something in me."

It was true, he saw an intelligent young girl in his class and the minute she gave him the time of day requesting more knowledge he knew he wanted to know more about this girl. Time went by he became obsessed with her, he wanted her to learn more, he wanted her to be his pride and joy and show her off to every CSI he knew. But that was a stupid fantasy, she is fifteen years younger and it would never work out. So he pushed her away, knowing she was starting to show some sort of fascination with him. He knew she just wanted a mentor figure since she never really had one.

"As time went on I wanted your approval and knowledge," She continued to talk, "I craved your compliments but then you started to push me away and see me every single day but not really seeing me. I would go by day after day and watch you walk in the halls of the lab and you would just ignore me. Before I would be able to handle cases because you would be there at the end of shift to give me some kind of knowledge to mull over."

"The last few months were hell, my drinking was getting worse and my past was coming at me full force. I had no comfort and no friends to talk to. I planned to leave, pack up everything and leave, get away from Vegas. I was so scared of walking away from life that I kept drinking to calm myself, I don't remember much but apparently I must have gotten into the pills and you know the rest."

"Sara…" He didn't know what to say. She was right, he was a total asshole. He ignored her for his selfish reasons, he didn't want to get into trouble and he didn't want to lead her on. So instead of being her friend he became a jerk.

She stood up and walked over to his bed. His heart was thumping hard against his rib cage and he prayed she wouldn't sense his fear. She leant on her haunches and smiled, "My problems shouldn't involve you. You taking me out here I appreciate it, I love it, I can forget and just live but, you do not have to feel guilty about anything."

She must have sensed the doubt in his eyes because he felt her finger on his chin, he flinched ever so slightly, "Gil?" he looked at her surprised, she has never used his birth name, "do not feel guilty, just remember what happens or has happened has nothing to do with you, my problems run deep into my core. All I ask of you is to be my friend, and if you feel you can not do that then it is okay."

Whatever she said got to him and he wrapped his arms tightly around her pulling her tightly between his legs and perfectly against his chest. Feeling her body shake against his and feeling the wet warmth spread on his shoulder he too broke down and help her tight as he felt that horrible throb in the back of his throat as he tried desperately to swallow his sob. But it escaped and he just held her tighter. His fingers were buried deep into her hair cupping her neck. She wrapped her long arms around him and cried harder.

Whatever pain they have been holding was being released. Sara was thankful for the comfort, she needed someone to cry on. Not once in her life has someone held her comforting her and told her it would be alright, not ever, not even when she still dated. When she left Hank nobody was there to comfort her, not even Catherine, she just bought her a beer and called it a night.

Grissom felt so ashamed and the fear of loosing her forever prodded at his mind. So he held her tighter and just let the tears flow. Because even though his mother held him and comforted him while he cried when his father died he has never taken comfort in the arms of another person and he was sure as hell that Sara has never been hugged like this in her life.

"I didn't mean it." She whispered her hot breath against his neck sending cold shivers down his spine. "I didn't want to die… I just wanted to sleep."

"I know." He stroked her hair.

"I just couldn't take the images anymore."

"I know."

"I didn't mean it." Her voice was now hiccups.

_**Hey guys, sorry this chapter is so short and it took forever to get out. I got kind of stuck but I think we are ready to move this story foreword. I just needed a little shove. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and ideas, keep sending them a long I love them! **_


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